WHAT THEY SEE IN THE MIRROR...

Now honestly… I don’t know what I am doing as a father the majority of the time. I am raising black girls in New York City at one millions miles per hour. When they grow up I want them to be proud of who they are as black girls (one 8 years old and the other 7 years old at this time). To make that happen, I need to be mindful of how I talk to them, act around them, where I take them, and how I love them. I even coined a social media hashtag to follow the sharing of their lives with the world. Now from time to time I see an old friend in person and they greet me with #grantgirlsrock when they ask about my children. I want to make sure my daughters now they rock and the world knows it too.

Before they were even born my wife and I had discussions about the things they would be exposed to. Barbie dolls, Disney Princesses, and the assortment of Eurocentric unrealistic standard of beauty we wrap ourselves up in would come for them like it has been coming at black girls for decades. I want for them to love what they see when they look at themselves and not care it will never look like those things I just mentioned.

I can’t remember the exact details of the occurrence but once during a discussion between the four of us my 8 year old made reference to something of color and she accidently referred to someone of color in a negative light. She didn’t say anything bad at all really but what she said made us pause. Naturally my wife and I both quickly corrected her. While she accepted the lesson we taught, I followed into her room and found her in tears on her bunk bed. Even at her tender young age, she felt some sadness about even seeming like she said something that was mean about a person that was non-white like her.

Who they see in the mirror and what they see in the world are 2 different things most of the time. I am fortunate that both of my girls have been placed in the gifted and talented classes to start their primary school careers. Unfortunately, they are left with almost no classmates that are as beautifully black or brown as them. The 7 year old is constantly asked for play dates with her classmates and not one of her “bffs” is black or brown. Why does this bother me when I grew up in a all-white town? I think it is because I fear for what this may do to their identity as black girls. When they play dress up, are they giving my girl a chance to be Cinderella or does she only have to be Tiana? Will they fall to societal norms or let them break them and their spirit?

For them to even have a chance of loving what they see in the mirror, I have to help them love themselves as much as I love them. Since the birth of our girls, my wife and I have been conscious of the outside influences of “beauty” in American culture. We have gone out of our way to make sure they are exposed to entertainment that looks like them as much as possible. How we have done their hair over the years has been a fight to make them love what they see in the mirror. I cringe every time I see them walk around in the princess wigs as if that hair is how a princess should look and the costume doesn't work if their hair is all they have. Maybe I’m overreacting a bit but you get the point.

I try my best to praise their style and beauty. I love when they rock their hair big & curly like only black women can. I think those days help them to feel naturally beautiful to the world because they know their dad says they are. I often take them through old pictures and show them with big afros and cute headbands because it was a daddy and daughter day. When they put on a “crazy” outfit, I try to have fun with it and not judge them for the outfit. I want to celebrate their creativity. I’m not going to lie though I worry because they are black girls they are going to be judged when they leave in an outfit that may be a bit much. That takes me back to the mirror principle though, if they looked at themselves and saw beauty, I need to champion it even when the world doesn't.

Another thing that I find important to their reflection in the mirror is what they are comfortable doing. We have put them in theater classes, piano, ballet, hip hop dancing, soccer, art classes, and figure skating. We have taken them to museums and national parks and Broadway shows. I have made them watch football, basketball, baseball and golf (yes golf). Other than baseball and basketball, these are places that you don’t see a lot of black girls but we are determined to make sure whether there are a lot of kids that look like them or not, they are confident and comfortable should they develop a passion for any of these things.

Just this past summer we started going to the driving range on Saturday mornings to just putt and hit some balls. The joy of seeing them try something new warms my heart every time I see them in the act. One of my proudest moments as a father was to watch them sit side by side at 7 and 6 years old to play a duet in front of dozens of strangers at a piano recital. I feel so strongly that every time I get to watch them do something like that, I have less to worry about them in the world by themselves in the future.

Something I also think about as a father is how I show them affection. I think black men in general have a public affection problem. Like we have a mandate to be “hard” or “tough guys” because we have daughters. My truth is that I feel I will never stop lifting them up, giving them kisses, special handshakes, and a shoulder to cry on when they are in tears. Just this past Father’s day we went to a Yankee game and they noticed the players all doing cool handshakes with each other with every single one different. Later that night in the fight to get them to sleep, I can came up with a special handshake with both of them. Now if I am putting them to bed it is past kiss and a hug, it's “do the handshake”. Once again, precious forever.

No matter who is around I show them this love. Affection is important to show my daughters because I want them to know that this love we have is a feeling that doesn’t always get an explanation in a sentence. Sometimes you hug just because, give them kiss just because, and pick them up over your head just because. I don’t have the science on what this does to their development but whether I am around my friends or my family or coworkers, I will show them affection every single time.

Parenthood is hard and Fatherhood is harder than I think most people realize. How we treat their mother, grandmother, and aunts influence our daughters. While I know it is never simple, all of these things about what we do, should be doing, could be doing, all lead back to a simple truth, our daughters self-worth will evolve from a lot of what we do as fathers. All I can leave you with my fellow brothers is that if you give your daughters praise throughout their lives, exposure to new things, and help them love what they see in the mirror, their path will be secure and our dreams for our daughters will take flight. No matter what they are dealing with or going through I want them to always remember that #grantgirlsrock!