A LETTER TO ALL OF US "MY KID'S THE BEST" BUMPER STICKER PARENTS
I recently had the opportunity to attend an amazing Jay-Z and Beyonce concert at Solder Field here in Chicago. I still can't get a pulse on popular opinion, but the song "Nice" off of the EVERYTHING IS LOVE album, gets me rather inspired. I don't judge the content of music, to each it's own, but to hear a song that's so positively telling young people that they "Can Do Anything" feels good, especially when there's a good chance, many of those young people are kids of color. As a parent, I want my kids to feel like they can do "anything" or at least that they have a fair and equitable opportunity to achieve the dreams they aspire to. I have the fortune of stable and successful career that provides the means for their success...or so I think. Here's the thing - many of us parents are guilty of "unconscious parenting". Parenting, that at it's core, uncociously pushes our own agendas onto our kids. In black families, we want our kids to "live a better life than we did", so we unconciously think back to the schools we attended, the sports we were allowed the play, the toys we had, the trips we took, the kinds of tutors and education we received. When we think back, we often exaggerate the quality or lack thereof, of those experiences and in some instances - overplay efforts to give our kids a "better life". A life in which we become guilty of pressuring our children to achieve at unrealistically high levels or levels that essentially satisfy our "unconscious" needs.
We become the parents with the "best in the world Montessori school" or "my kid's 1 of only 10 black kids Academy" bumper stickers on the back of our Audis and BMWs. I can say this because I'm maybe not as guilty of this as I was, but am still one of these parents. The parent that not only wants to move our kids to new heights of success, but feels a joy and pride in showing the world how great of a parent we are and also, how far we've come socioeconomically. In order to continue this sense of pride, we set performance goals "don't come home with anything less than A, or a win, or top score on the playing field, etc...". The problem with this, and John Hopkins research has investigated this - children for whom parents have a performance goal vs a learning and understanding goal, have higher anxiety about mistakes, doubts about their actions, and overall sense of pressure from their parents. In the black community this becomes even more important because of Racial Socialization.
Racial Socialization is the process by which society transmits messages to youth about the significance and meaning of their race and ethnicity and associated values and norms. Although researchers have identified several racial socialization themes, empirical studies demonstrate that socialization messages related to cultural pride and preparation for bias relate most consistently to youth outcomes. Cultural pride socialization, which emphasizes the history and accomplishments of African Americans, correspond to increased self esteem, positive ethnic identity, and decreased rates of depression and anger. More importantly for us "bumper sticker" parents - cultural pride messages are associated with positive youth academic and cognitive outcomes, including increased classroom engagement, GPA, and education aspirations. Feeling good about who you are, your history, and your value has a direct correlation with academic outcomes within the African American community and has shifted my thinking as a parent to valuing 3 key things in anything my children do:
- Does the activity and environment enrich my childrens' sense of self worth
- Does the activity and environment inspire my children to be engaged
- Does the activity and environment come with a strong and supportive community
If these factors are not at play, it likely isn't a good place for me, my wife, or my kids to spend our time - despite how great it may look on a bumper sticker, or in a conversation with that new CEO, or on the golf course with a potential client. Seeing my young kids feel great about themselves is all the validation I need and probably the best indicator of my child's future success not only in the classroom but as a human being.
For more sourced information on this article please visit the following links:
Celebrating the strengths of Black Youth: Increasing self-esteem and implications for prevention - https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4152398/#!po=2.08333
Parents' Values and Children's Perceived Pressure: Topical Research Series #4 - https://cty.jhu.edu/research/topical/pressure.html
