Manhood 2: Men don't need new friendships
Written by Jason DaWayne Smith
We know that social connections are a leading behavioral factor in the promotion of health, well being and longevity. For most of us, research has shown that early childhood relationship development is critical to mid-life social success. The rates of depression, anxiety, loneliness are far lower when a balance of both quantity and quality of relationship development in our later years. When we’re in our 20s - we’re excited about developing a myriad of relationships - presumably because the diversity in these friendships/relationships help with identity development and self knowledge. The more experiences and people we’re around, the more rounded our internal compass becomes.
However as we age, as early as our 30s, friendship and relationship priorities become less about quantity (how many we have) to quality (the sense of emotional closeness we get from a smaller set of relationships). This older group likes to spend more time with familiar faces, familiar territory. As a result, we as 30-40+ year old men and dads may often have the luxury of deep fulfilling relationships, but the challenge of finding new friends.
I’m aware of this and it’s still impossible for me to overcome the society stigma of a random guy, walking up to another random guy and striking a conversation. I actually laugh outloud thinking about it. I recently took my boys to the park and ended up chatting it up with another dad about camping, hunting, The Chicago Bears, all the stuff I’m into. When it came time to take the boys home, I can remember him giving me this look like “hey, can I get your number, call you, and chat some more”? I also remember thinking the exact same thing, but there’s just this “manly” thing that freaked me out about the idea. I got out of there fast and felt like a complete fool for allowing stigmas to prevent me from maybe finding a new acquaintance for both me and my boys.
With these kinds of experiences in mind, I recently listened to Damon Young (father and author of “What Doesn’t Kill You, Makes You Blacker” and Kiese Laymon (author of the memoir “Heavy”) have the most vulnerable conversation I’ve ever heard publicly between two adult black men. In their Death, Sex, and Money podcast discussion - the two men engage in a 1:1 barbershop style conversation, but dive into a pool of taboo topics ranging from anxiety, depression, sexual inadequacy, obesity, comfort with physical contact among other males and more… I listened to this dialogue thinking - damn - I WISH I had a friend I could talk to like this. I wish I had someone that I could be this vulnerable with as a man, as a father, as a human. But I find myself, like many other Black men and fathers, held to what it means to be a “man” of “olden times” and more often than not, don’t allow for this kind of vulnerability and connection that could greatly enhance my well being - personally and with my boys.
According to research - Among Black men, the prevalence of depression combined with substance use disorders increased from 7.36% to 15.55%, and a particularly concerning increase was found for young Black men (age 18–29), with rate increases from 9.49% to 21.34% . Despite this data, black men are the least likely to seek any outpatient or guided help with this level of depression. We often rely on “cultural” or “manly” norms of our community to deal with our emotions and need for connectivity. These norms often exclude “talking” about our feelings and vulnerabilities.
Combine all of this with our growing time online, social media, and with our heads down at our mobile phones, it’s no wonder that when 2 of our dad friends, their family, and all that comes with it - move to Cincinnati for that new job, that we find ourselves lost. According to Williams James’ text “The Principles of Psychology” - after the age of 30, we’re pretty much dry paint - not changing our ways, we are who we are.
As a man aged 30+ with kids, making and sustaining relationship is even harder!! Despite research that suggests males need for intimacy, there’s maybe something about how we grow up that makes it really hard for guys to make friends. According to research conducted by FiveThirtyEight and WNYC - 61% of men sited their dads as setting the standard for how they defined “manliness”. I can recall seeing my dad, who had a lot of great relationships, demonstrate weariness towards newcomers as a kid. He and my male role models, represented themselves as strong, alpha personalities that didn’t share their emotions, feelings, or any signs of weakness with other men in their lives. Talking and “getting to know eachother” was reserved for macking to a girl at the club, or on the block. This portrayal of man as “independent” and “emotionless” is seen as something to be proud of, but also, as we now know, a major part of why it’s just so hard for men to form relationships, especially as we get older, have kids, have less time, and quite honestly, just become less interesting.
“I have been thinking a lot about what day to day friendship means in your 40s for black men…[most of the people that inspire me are men that I’m not around]…is that enough?”
In the book “Heavy” author Kiese Laymon talks about a myriad of things, but most notably his struggles with weight, domestic violence, and his mother. These factors greatly contributing to how and where Kiese sought solice - which was mostly within sports. A place seen as one of the only “safe spaces” to bond with men. While Damon Young’s story is different, he also expresses this link btw manhood, sports and girls. The overall theme of the dialogue was a moment of reconciliation and escape. You could feel the absolute relief these two adult men felt being able to express such deep and likely, repressed thoughts with no judgement. It’s this experience that really shines a light on how important it is for Black men and dads today to create these bonds that allow for mental health, a sense of belonging, and a sense of comfort in who we are - even as we get older and have less time to commit to these engagements.
At the minute 21 mark of the podcast Kiese makes a poignant statement - “I have been thinking a lot about what day to day friendship means in your 40s for black men…[most of the people that inspire me are men that I’m not around]…is that enough?” This is the question many of us dads must contend with. How committed are we to building relationships, what form do we need that relationship to present itself, and how vulnerable will we allow ourselves to be, so that we reap the full benefits of these relationships as we grow as men and dads? Even if the answer to these questions isn’t as clear as we’d like it to be, I believe it’s no longer “manly” to NOT make the effort to make the most of our friendships - new and old - as we age and mature - for our well being, and that of our kids.
